What is “Sayang” — And Why Do We Experience It Throughout Our Lives?
Let’s delve into the profoundness and richness of sayang — and why no one can escape the feeling of sayang.
The Essence of Sayang
Life can often be summed up in one word: sayang. This word embodies love, hurt, attachment, detachment, regret, contentment, affection, and sorrow — perfectly capturing the complexities of human emotions. It is the feeling of love and affection, accompanied by the inevitable pain of separation.
What is Sayang?
Sayang is a Malaysian word that beautifully encapsulates the dual nature of love and pain. Sayang means both attachment that comes with love and pain that accompanies detachment. It reflects the deep affection we feel for someone, intertwined with the inevitable sorrow of separation or loss. It’s not just about love; it’s the complex emotions that accompany attachment, regret, and longing. Whether in relationships with parents, friends, siblings, or life partners, sayang embodies the bittersweet experience of holding onto love while knowing that it may bring heartache. It reminds us that with great love often comes great vulnerability.
People often fear love because they dread the pain of detachment it may bring. Only those with brave hearts can truly experience love, knowing they must eventually let go — whether it’s a parent, sibling, friend, or life partner. To be human is to go through sayang. There’s no escape, and to live fully is to embrace this reality. Those who don’t fear sayang and live each day as it comes will experience the true beauty of life.
Emotions Shape Human Life
From the moment we are born until we bid farewell to the world, we live in a constant state of sayang. As children, we bask in the unconditional love of our parents, who protect us like a cocoon from the world’s harshness. As we grow, we take this love for granted. Yet, their love shapes us, preparing us to break free and navigate the world of friendships, romantic partners, and the countless emotions that define the human experience.
As psychologist John Bowlby explained in his attachment theory, the quality of early emotional bonds shapes how we form secure attachments throughout life. His profound words, “What cannot be communicated to the mother cannot be communicated to the self,” highlight how crucial emotional regulation is and the impact of the people we love.
The Role of Emotions
Emotions play a fundamental role in shaping our lives. They influence our decisions, relationships, and well-being.
- Primary Emotions: These are universal and include happiness, sadness, fear, anger, surprise, and disgust.
- Secondary Emotions: These are more complex and include love, guilt, jealousy, pride, and embarrassment.
- Positive Emotions: These foster well-being, such as gratitude, excitement, and confidence.
- Negative Emotions: These signal discomfort, including frustration, anxiety, and shame.
- Self-Conscious Emotions: These arise from social evaluation, such as pride and guilt.
- Moral Emotions: These are tied to our ethical beliefs, like empathy and righteous anger.
- Ambiguous or Mixed Emotions: These involve conflicting feelings, like bittersweet nostalgia and sayang.
- Social Emotions: These stem from interactions with others, such as admiration or envy.
Helen Keller beautifully captured the essence of emotions when she said, “The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched — they must be felt with the heart.” Emotions enrich our experiences, shape our personal growth, and guide our interactions. In relationships, we often experience a mix of joy and sadness, love and pain — just like sayang.
Have you ever found yourself laughing on the outside while your heart silently weeps? That is sayang. No matter how deep our feelings for someone, we sometimes have to let them go, leaving us with a heart full of pain and regret. Over time, these suppressed emotions can overwhelm us, forcing us to confront them when it’s often too late — when those we love are gone.
Personal Reflection
I realized at a very young age how love can bring pain. I was sent to live with my grandmother when I was just three years old, and I vividly remember the sadness my parents felt when they came to visit and had to leave me, even as I cried for them. I often heard they left quietly while I slept, and after what felt like an eternity — though likely only a year — I returned home to live with my parents again. From that point on, I never took their love for granted. I stayed close to my mother and father, cherishing every moment we shared, even though I was too young to fully understand love, attachment, or the pain of separation.
My attachment to them was so deep that, even during summer vacations, I refused to go to my relatives’ homes without my mother. I wouldn’t even join a full-day picnic with neighborhood friends unless she came along. That was, and still is, the strength of my love for my parents. However, I didn’t let that attachment hold me back from progressing in life. I took the leap to move to another city to grow in my career. I knew how much I loved my parents, but I also knew they wanted me to become independent and pursue my dreams.
The Duality of Sayang
As life progresses, sayang follows us. We grow up, leave our parents in pursuit of dreams, and our relationships with friends and partners also shift as life’s demands take over. Each bond starts with love and attachment, only to end with the pain of separation and detachment. Every relationship, whether with parents, siblings, friends, or a beloved, faces the inevitable truth of sayang.
Life isn’t always fair. Throughout my life, I have constantly experienced sayang. I’ve also had the courage to walk away from relationships that were once important to me, but had turned toxic, knowing that it was the best choice for both them and me. I’ve always believed that what’s meant for me will find its way to me, and that everything happens according to the will of God. People come into your life for a reason — either you serve their purpose, or they serve yours. And eventually, we have to let them go. That is the reality of being human. We are not just made of fire, water, and soil, or hydrogen, oxygen, carbon and nitrogen but of emotions, too. At every stage of life, we are tested, and learning to be present and embrace every moment as it comes can bring immense relief.
Sigmund Freud once said, “Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.” This speaks to the importance of embracing the full range of emotions, whether love or pain. Our relationships with others, especially with parents, shape our emotional landscapes. And when we finally realize their worth, it is often too late. Their love, which once felt so easy to take for granted, becomes priceless — a memory that leaves us with the bittersweet feeling of sayang.
Is There a Way Out?
We cannot avoid sayang. It’s the rule of life, a cycle we are bound to repeat. Our parents will age and leave us, the people we love will come and go, and our work commitments may cause us to drift away from friends and loved ones. Yet, there is a way to soften the pain. Acknowledging and embracing sayang allows us to heal with time.
The key lies in being present with our emotions and the people who matter. As Brené Brown wisely stated, “We cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.” Let yourself feel the love you have for someone, and if life forces you to let them go, loosen your grip and allow it. Even a thousand reasons can’t stop someone from leaving, just as a single reason can be enough for them to stay with you.
Surrounding ourselves with the right people helps, too. The lessons and love we receive from parents, the strength we draw from friends and siblings, and the companionship of a supportive life partner are all essential for our well-being. These relationships can be healing or destructive, but choosing wisely allows us to navigate life’s emotional journey more smoothly.
The Heart’s Journey Through Sayang
Life is an ever-changing blend of attachment and separation, of love and loss — an experience that can only be fully lived by embracing the duality of sayang. As Freud noted, “Unexpressed emotions will never die.” So, express them. Let your parents know how grateful you are. Tell your beloved how much he/she means to you, celebrate the moments with your siblings, and cherish the support of your friends. These relationships form the foundation of our emotional world, so take the time to nurture and value them while you can.
Even in the fleeting moments of joy and the quiet ache of longing, sayang wraps both love and pain into a beautiful symphony that only the heart can understand.
